October 20, 2001

America Strikes Back - At Americans

By Warren Pease

The "Army of God" is a small group of grimly repressed lethal misogynists who give not a rat's ass for the alleged rights of the fetus but who wrap themselves in noble-sounding religious twaddle to get revenge on all those uppity damned women over the years who wouldn't let them into their pants. And these days, the Army of God is apparently getting down with Osama and mailing envelopes containing "unidentified powdery substances and letters with threatening language," according to an October 15 Reuters report.

Ninety Planned Parenthood offices and at least 80 National Abortion Federation clinics across the country have received such letters, sources say. The envelopes were mailed from five different states. Each bore the accurate return address of local law enforcement agencies and was stamped "time sensitive security information enclosed."

Which does in fact exhibit the characteristics of a well-coordinated campaign designed to scare the hell out of recipients and, if the powder actually does turn out to be anthrax bacteria, sicken or kill them - which is sorta, kinda the textbook definition of terrorism.

And that's where the story line disappears. We know all about Tom Daschle's alleged heroism and Dan Rather's assistant and the infected tabloid workers, but there has been absolutely no mainstream coverage of the mass mailings targeting abortion providers since the initial reports nearly a week ago. This has left a few conspiratorially minded party poopers railing about the evils of corporate media and all that *soooo* out of vogue lefty crap.

But it falls on deaf ears because the rest of us are just way too busy having CNN teach us all about the evil that swarthy Semitic evildoers do when they do evil. Who cares what happens to a bunch of pregnant chicks? If they'd just dress properly, wear sensible shoes and keep their knees together, they wouldn't have this problem.

Anyway, NAF executive director Vicki Saporta says this kind of threat isn't new to abortion providers. "Those who are opposed to a woman's right to choose have not hesitated to resort to bioterrorist threats and attacks to advance their personal agenda," Saporta said in prepared statement. "Today's events are a sad reminder to all Americans that not only do we face threats from foreign terrorists, but we also face threats from domestic terrorists as well."

No kidding. It's not as if the little Timmy McVeighs of this country have all enlisted to go fight in Afghanistan. Joining the Army of the United States these days is considerably more dangerous than joining the Army of God, and the very last thing these miserable chicken shits want is actual danger. They're more comfortable plinking cans at Wade and Leland's sugar beet farm out by Squished Armadillo City in West Texas and harassing defenseless women from deep cover.

Nobody in authority seems to give much of a damn anyway when abortion clinics are the targets and when homegrown white-boys are the logical suspects. If they did, our divinely directed Attorney General would surely have dispatched a couple dozen highly trained and motivated agents of the fine new Office of Homeland Security to ferret out the domestic evildoers. But that's really not the kind of homeland security we're talking about here, according to chief White House apologist Ari Fleischer.

Why, just the other day, when asked to differentiate between criminal behavior and terrorism, Ari said, "That's a determination that will be made by the appropriate law enforcement officials. The line between whether this is merely criminal or terrorist is something that often involves whether or not a foreign nation is involved or whether or not cells of any type of foreign nation or terrorist group operating in this country." *

English translation: If they're Arabic, it's terrorism and we should string them up by the thumbs until they decompose into their constituent elements. But if they look like little Timmy, all pink and cute and buzz cut and freckles and hollow little killer eyes, they're just good American kids sowing their wild oats and blowing off steam - while coincidentally advancing the anti-choice agenda of this administration.

Lacking any coherent effort to identify and prosecute cases of domestic terrorism, it might be nice if our somnambulant White House press corpse did its Constitutionally mandated job and asked some tough questions about these kinds of things once or twice a year, even though some might risk having their credentials suspended for conduct unbecoming a Beltway media trollop. But no. The public's right to know is apparently better served by questions like . . .

"Mr. President, sir, those of us who followed your campaign were won over by your amazing grasp of international politics and your unique ability to articulate exactly where and how to apply pressure to secure our vital interests overseas. Can you tell us, sir, how you gained such a superior understanding of these complex issues and how you'll use your unparalleled geopolitical skills to bring rousing victory to our brave men and women overseas and horrible death and destruction to those murderous wogs and all their relatives and friends and children and dogs and cats and camels, so help us god?"

"Mr. President, sir, you've obviously had a gift for rhetoric, clear thinking and concise logic since you were a very young man, but can you tell us, sir, how it is that you combined those talents with your unmatched leadership skills to offer the guiding beacon of truth and justice and shining hope for the future that you've so capably employed to warm the hearts of all Americans, especially mine, sir - oh, please, sir, pick me for the next ride on Air Force One, pick me, pick me me me me me. . ."

"Mr. President, sir, aside from the innate wonderfulness you acquired simply by being born into the wonderful Bush family, can you tell us, sir, how you've used such a magnificent and fortunate head start to become ever more wonderful, both as governor of the most respected state in the Union and now as president of the mightiest country in the whole wide world and the only one with a direct line to Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior Most High, amen, sir?"

"Hey, buddy. How do you spell 'misunderestimated'?"

That last guy's now washing cars in Lakeland, Florida for minimum wage and all the wax he can steal.

# # #

The author is willing to pay serious money for a White House press pass just so he can ask Ari who he had to blow to get his job. If you have one to sell or rent, contact him at war_on_peas@yahoo.com

Copyright SRC, Inc. 2001. All rights reserved.

* Ari's quote and some other good stuff courtesy of Media Whores Online, one of the web's premier BS busters.

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